Sexual Desire
Relationships are unique. This means the relational dynamics of your relationship and the problems you are experiencing will be different for you compared to another couple. However there might be similarities.
Many individuals and couples discuss sex within therapy.
For some people sex can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss. There can be shame connected to sex e.g. am I having enough sex or the opposite wanting too much. Much of our views and feelings surrounding sex can be linked to our family and culture.
For many people in a relationship they get worried about the number of times they are having sex. There’s topics out there on “how many times a couple should be having sex”. The number is not important. What is important what you and your partner think about your sexual relationship. How important sex is depends on the individuals involved. Communication is vital as when the sexual relationship changes it can may evoke for some many feelings e.g. confusion, hurt and worry.
But the main thing to remember is that sex does change. This is a natural flow and sometimes normalising this experience can be reassuring for individuals and couples.
Its natural for individuals to not be interested in sex and to experience phases:
Stress levels
Lack of sleep
The relationship going through issues
External stressors
Change of dynamics e.g. having a baby
Lower sexual desire can at times be connected to relationship concerns. Underlying concerns that are not addressed may need to be spoke about if it is influencing sexual connection. You don’t have to have sex when you don’t want to, even when married or in a long term relationship. Having sex when you don’t want to is not helpful for you or your partner.
Many people are conditioned to believe that sex is “better when spontaneous”. Lives can be busy and taking time out to “schedule sex” can be fun. Another idea would be to have time having fun, with no pressure of having sex but to have a romantic morning, afternoon or evening (why not a mid week day), laughing and kissing. When the pressure of sexual intercourse is removed it can be helpful for many. Building on connection and talking about the sexual well-being of the relationship without blame or shaming can be helpful for couples.
You might find your desire is different to your partner. This might be related to responsive vs. spontaneous desire
Responsive desire: experiencing desire after sexual intimacy has been initiated.
Spontaneous desire (different from spontaneous sex, see above): experiencing desire prior to sexual intimacy being initiated.
Neither desire style is good, bad, wrong or correct. It is simply different. And being aware of differences is important in relationships in understanding your partner and their needs & wants.
Individuals with responsive desire require emotional connection and sensual touch in the lead up to sex to support the mind and body to ease into feeling desire. This may include taking a shower together, cuddling, massage, shared hobby. An individual with responsive desire may not feel desire until several minutes into foreplay. Sex can stop at any time that an individual wants.
Individuals with spontaneous desire not require as much emotional connection and sensual touch. It is not abnormal to be aroused easily and wanting sex.
At times we have to rework what we think relationship sex should look like. An interesting study found that if individuals thought sex declined within long term relationships it became a self-fulfilling prophecy and sex declined. For some, the longer they know their partner the more satisfying their sexual well-being is.
Please note that although communication with a partner is vital and understanding that sex starts in our brain, it is equally important to check with your General Practitioner to make sure your hormones are balanced and rule out any medical possibilities related to your medication or physical health that could be influencing your libido.