Burden of love
What is under spoken about in the world of psychology is the burden of love. We are taught from a young age through stories and then movies that love is beautiful and wonderful. I see great advantages of understanding the various theories of love and attachment. A concept I hear a lot about in clinic is the ‘love languages’. This has been around since the 1990’s and is a really useful concept to discuss with your partner however it’s not without its limitations. The minimum to expect from a partner are those needs and it does not account for many needs. Surely as humans we have more than 5 basic needs when it comes to relationships. We also change during the life span and our needs do too. What we seek from a partner in the early days of a relationships sways as we go through the adult lifespan. I will be using terms as healthy / unhealthy, this is rather labelling and is different from case to case. Toxic is a word utilised to get the point across. How I write is very different to how I speak. For the purpose of understanding and for a brief post that I could talk for hours about I couldn’t think of other terminology.
Burden means ‘heavy load’. Psychological burden refers to the mental strain a person experiences due to various stressors in their life, leading to emotional distress and instability in their well-being. During the course of adult lifespan, the ‘burden of love’ can visit many times. The term “burden of love” refers to the weight and strain that can come from being in a relationship that is unhealthy or unbalanced. This can manifest in a variety of ways, including feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness, sacrificing your own needs and desires, or tolerating mistreatment in the name of love. When love starts to feel like a burden, it can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and emotional distress. This can be for many reasons e.g. unrequited love, fear of the relationship or wondering if I am with the right person. Humans often think in black and white within love “I love you” or “I don’t love you”. People feel shame and guilt in therapy setting to speak of this questioning be that within intimate relationships or their history of love.
Attachment plays a significant role in understanding the burden of love. Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers influence one’s attachment style in romantic relationships. People with secure attachment styles may find it easier to navigate the ups and downs of love, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle with feelings of anxiety or avoidance, contributing to the burden of love.
Emotional labour is another psychological concept that is closely related to the burden of love. Emotional labour refers to the effort required to manage one’s emotions to meet the expectations of a relationship. In the context of love, emotional labour can manifest in various forms, such as being the primary caregiver or constantly prioritizing the needs of the partner over one’s own.
Setting clear expectations and responsibilities in a relationship is crucial for managing the burden of love. Unrealistic expectations or unequal distribution of responsibilities can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional exhaustion. Establishing boundaries and openly communicating about needs and wants can help create a healthier dynamic where both partners feel supported and valued.
The Psychology Behind Unhealthy Relationships:
- Co-dependency:
One common psychological aspect of unhealthy relationships is co-dependency. This occurs when one or both partners rely on each other to fulfil emotional needs, to the point where their sense of self-worth becomes tied to the relationship. Co-dependent individuals may struggle to set boundaries, prioritise their own well-being, or break free from toxic patterns. This can create a cycle of dependence and enable destructive behaviours to continue. - Toxic Dynamics:
Another psychological factor in unhealthy relationships is the presence of toxic dynamics. This can include patterns of manipulation, control, gaslighting, or emotional abuse. In these situations, love can become a weapon used to maintain power and dominance over the other person. The victim may feel trapped, isolated, and unable to escape the cycle of toxicity, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem.
The Impact of the Burden of Love on Mental Health:
Being trapped in an unhealthy relationship can have a significant impact on one’s mental health. Constant stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil can take a toll on your overall well-being. The burden of love can lead to feelings of depression, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self-worth. It can also interfere with your ability to focus, work, and engage in meaningful activities, affecting every aspect of your life.
Breaking Free from the Burden of Love:
If you find yourself in a relationship that feels like more of a burden than a blessing, it’s important to take steps to prioritise your mental health and well-being. This may involve seeking therapy, setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and ultimately, making the difficult decision to end the relationship if necessary. Remember, love should uplift and support you, not weigh you down. However, relationships can have several ruptures for many reasons e.g. death of a parent, redundancy and health concerns. It is natural for love to change during this time. Repair is important. This is different to abuse.
